I’m fat, or morbidly obese, because those two words really make a person feel good right? Surely the word morbid conjures up images of fairies dancing on daisies, and unicorns running on rainbows, right?
I didn’t think so.
I want to discuss what the phrases fat and morbidly obese mean to most people:
No Self Control
Ignorance on how to be healthy
Now, I want to explain to you what fat and morbidly obese means to me:
I’m ashamed because I used to be an athlete. I ran 5 days a week, I played softball, volleyball, and lifted weights. I know what it feels like to be able to push my body to the point of injury, shrug it off, and literally get right back in the game. I know what it feels like to be physically powerful, to be able to jokingly throw your friends (including guys) in a fireman’s carry over your shoulders and walk around with them. I’m ashamed because I know I can’t do it anymore.
I’m embarrassed because I see how some people look at me. I have heard people in stores make a loud huffing sound and stalk past me in a rush. They assume I don’t walk faster because I am fat, and I know it’s because of my back and a foot injury. I’m embarrassed because when I look at my friends from high school it feels like no one has gained as much weight as me since we were in school.
I’m exhausted because I am tired of people beating me and other fat people down. I’m tired of being accused of eating 6 hamburgers in my car, going home and eating dinner too. I’m tired of the looks I get in a restaurant for ordering the SAME food as anyone else and in the SAME quantity, but because I am fat, I shouldn’t have it. I’m exhausted because of people who constantly say hateful things about fat people, as if somehow that one ugly comment is going to change a life and suddenly the person will be thin.
Being fat is painful. Emotionally and physically being fat is pain. My Grandmother used to tell me I would grow out of my baby fat. I was NINE. I know she didn’t mean it negatively, but I remember it 25 years later, so it obviously stuck in my head. Even “loving criticism” is still criticism. Physically, well, put on a backpack, add 50, 100, or 150 pounds of weights into that pack. See how long it takes for your feet to ache and then swell. See how long your back holds up.
Most of all, I’m frustrated. I’ve joined Weight Watchers 3 times. Every single time I hit a plateau that neither I or the Weight Watchers counselors could break. The minute I stopped “dieting”, meaning I ate like a “normal” person, I gained every pound back and then some. I’ve studied, watched documentaries, devoured shows like The Biggest Loser, cried, tried harder, gave up, tried again.
I’ve been at war with my body.
But, being fat is not my mistake. My real “fat mistake” is this:
I let how other people see me affect me. I let their negativity into my life.
I have used the two lists above as excuses to stay home and away from other people. I have hidden parts of me to the world because I am embarrassed or because I thought my words would mean less coming from a fat blogger. How could I possibly motivate other people if they look at me, and think I need to clean up my own messes?
I would love to lie and tell you that I will never let how others see me effect my life. I doubt that’s true. What I can promise you is my photo is all over this blog now, and it’s because it’s ME. It’s how I am NOW and not how others may want to see me.
I can also promise that I am going to war with my body again, and not for anyone but me. This is the year I am going to fight for my health. I’ve had enough, but I have had enough because I want it to be enough, and not because someone else thinks I should.
For you, if you want to change, please sign up for emails below. I started losing weight with one change in my life. I pack ALL of my lunches for work now. If you want to join the Packed Lunch Challenge, please subscribe below. If you need to talk, send me an email. email@example.com I’m here for you!by