I realized today, as I sat around in a stupor trying to decide what to write about, and wondering if I used up all of my intelligence writing other posts for the week, that I had no idea what to talk about. I stepped on the scale this morning, and of course, I am still floating around the same weight I have been for about a month. Up a few pounds down a few, up a few down a few. So, if I can’t pull it together and talk about how to lose weight, when clearly, I am struggling, what is there for me to talk about? Then it hit me…
Normally, by now, I would have QUIT.
I would have started griping about my plateau, pointed out how this ALWAYS happens to me, thrown my hands up in the air and quit. When it comes to weight loss, my history is to be a quitter.
I have been watching The Biggest Loser in batches these last few weeks, trying to find motivation and inspiration. Something I heard Jillian Michaels say years ago has always been stuck in my head “you have to find your why. WHY are you like this?” That question has haunted me for years. On the most recent season Jennifer Widerstrom asked another question, “Are you doing this from a place of love or fear?” That question has been haunting me for WEEKS!
When I first started this challenge, one of my major reasons for wanting to start weight loss is because of my family history. Obesity has caused major issues in my family, and all I saw in my future was death. I started out of fear, and that can’t be a good thing. Being afraid to live the way I want to live is part of what got me here to begin with! So, Jennifer Widerstrom is right about one thing, fear is not a healthy reason to lose weight.
I just had Jillian’s question to answer. The why…Why did I get this way? Why am I staying this way? What caused this?
In days past, I don’t think I would have been able to admit it. In days past I would have just pretended like it didn’t happen, and kept falling back in the same old routine. By days past, I mean, yesterday, and the day before. On the days when I can sit here and admit to everyone reading this, that no joke, I have probably eaten a pie and a half by myself in two days. Normally, I am NOT the type of person who would binge eat crap like that.
But a certain news story broke about child molestation. I know first hand what effects child molestation can have on a young person. I was THREE when it happened to me. THREE. The only positive thing I can say about it is thank god it wasn’t my brother or a family member who did it. But it happened. It happened because a teenager thought it was funny. I had to grow up looking at the person who did it on a regular basis, and I had to be reminded of it constantly. I truly think that is what started my journey to obesity.
This weekend, having it plastered all over social media, reading comments from people on my friends list who actually defended a child molester made me physically SICK. I literally wanted to grab these people (ironically ALL WOMEN) and shake some sense into them. I wanted to scream and curse, unfriend, punch them in the face, and find any way to make them understand how much their infinite stupidity hurt. Instead, I ate it. That’s the truth.
Here is another truth. That little girl in the photo above doesn’t exist anymore. With her smiling face, her hot pink pack rat sneakers, and killer summer tan, was hiding a secret from everyone. A big nasty secret, that over time, stole a big piece of her life.
And it stops today.
I can’t control how stupid and insensitive other people can be. I can’t protect every child on the planet. I can’t save everyone else, but I can save myself. I can fight for me because no one else has a right to be in my life 33 years without my permission. I’m letting it go today. I’m going to do my best to never think about those slime ball people (who are no better than dog shit on my shoe) again. They aren’t worth it, but
Do you know your WHY? What steps are you taking to find it and fix it? Tell me!